Sandy’s Bridal Version of Adam Mansbach’s “Go the F*ck to Sleep” — Dedicated to All the Brides on Pinterest at 2 a.m.

It’s bedtime brides and grooms!

I wrote a bedtime story for you… or rather rewrote a famous story.  But let me back up and explain my fascination with bedtime stories. I’m going to reveal something very personal about my marriage right now… Part of why I love my husband Bill so much is because he reads to me every night until I fall asleep.  My brain doesn’t turn off on its own sometimes, and when we first met, Bill found out that I listened to book tapes to help me drift off.

After a few weeks of living together, Bill was ready to toss the stereo (pre-iPod days) out the window because he’d listened to the same side of the same tape every night and it was making him crazy.  You see, I always fall asleep immediately to a story… and he’d get stuck listening to the same 45 minutes he’d heard the ten prior nights.  It never bothered me, but it nearly drove him insane.  His solution: Read her to sleep and stop after five minutes when she starts to purr (code word for snore).We started out with the James Herriot series “All Creatures Great and Small” – his pick, actually – and it turned out it worked.  In fact, it takes us about two years to get through an entire book.  Over the years we moved on to a Kindle and now it’s his tablet and we’re still on James Herriot (if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it).

But one night not too long ago, he surprised me with a completely different tome.  “Go the Fuck to Sleep” by Adam Mansbach.  Have a listen and laugh your butt off.  Funny thing is, he had to read it three nights in a row before I stayed awake through the whole thing.  The absolute best version of this is the one read by Samuel L. Jackson, although there’s also a YouTube of an Asian Grandma that will make you laugh really hard.

As I sat in bed the other night being bombarded by emails and links from excited brides, I started thinking about this bedtime story and rewriting it in my head.  I really hope that my clients find it hilarious and enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

With apologies to the author… dedicated to all of my fabulous clients.


The invitations have all been ordered

And believe me, they weren’t cheap

But you paid cash so stop worrying and

Go the fuck to sleep.


You hired a wedding planner for details

And she’s already booked your priest.

So get the fuck off Pinterest and

Lay down next to your fiancé and sleep.


There are entirely too many bridesmaids in your wedding party

And you’ve got to decide who to cut and keep

You should know it’s only important to you

Nobody else is losing any fucking sleep.


The bridal shower and bachelorette have been scheduled

You’re officially a real “bride-to-be”

So unless you want to look like a hag at your wedding

You need your beauty sleep.


When you make your way down the sandy Vieques aisle

In just a very few weeks

Rest assured your wedding will be perfect

Your groom is playing for keeps.


So let your planner do the worrying for you

She’ll handle your details, parties and peeps

Do not stay up all night sending her more Pinterest ideas (your wedding’s already planned!)

Please, please, please I beg you… go the fuck to sleep!


Until next time, happy wedding planning from Weddings in Vieques and Weddings in Culebra!



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