Top Ten Lessons Learned by this Professional Caribbean Destination Wedding Planner on Vieques Island in 2009
Happy New Year!
Or Prospero Ano Nuevo, as they say down here. But I’ve recently been informed that “ano” without a tilde over the “n” doesn’t mean year so I’m probably posting dirty messages on the Internet in my quest to bring you all good tidings! It’s hard to believe that 2009 has come to a close already. I mean, seriously folks — when did it get here? Time goes faster as we get older — that is soooo not just something old people say, it’s really true. And it seems like the more weddings I have on the calendar, the faster the weeks fly by. We had a banner year at Weddings in Vieques, and we successfully launched Weddings in Culebra as well. It’s hard to believe we’ve been doing this for more than two years already!
As with all things that are worth it, building a wedding planning business on two tiny islands off another Caribbean island was a lot of work. We’ve put in more time and energy than we ever imagined we would — I remember when our goal was to do two weddings a month. LOL. Now the rule is no more than two weddings per weekend. My, how things have changed. And with every wedding we do, we learn something new. Sometimes we’re just streamlining our processes, but sometimes we learn things we never thought we’d ever have to know. And those are the interesting ones. I won’t tell you how we learned to sort the lights differently to expedite setups, or how we bought our own buffet tablecloths that reach all the way to the floor since the rental company refused to carry them — I’m going to tell you some of the REALLY GOOD lessons learned. Let’s just hope all my former clients aren’t reading this!
Are ya ready? Here we go… my apologies in advance to those of you who recognize yourselves. Try to see it through my eyes. :) The most interesting lessons we learned in 2009:
Lesson #1- It is possible for the bride/groom to get a DUI on Vieques Island during his/her wedding weekend even though we have no breathalizer on the island.
You can beat it in court — if you spend the money to come back here and fight it yourself. If you don’t come back, you still have to hire a lawyer to go to court in your place, and even though you probably won’t get convicted of the DUI itself, you will get a zillion other fines for the lesser charges they heaped on you. Mucho dinero, mi amigo. Of course, this entire ugly scenario can be avoided by making a sincere effort not to drive drunk on your destination wedding weekend. Signs that you’re too trashed to drive your rental Jeep include (but are not limited to) the following: stumbling on the stairs at the rental car agency, running into the gate at the property where you’re staying, driving 50 mph in a 15 mph zone and, last but not least, almost running over your wedding planner’s assistant in front of the bio-bay place.
Lesson #2 — Beware Groomzilla! Yes, he does exist.
My particular two groomzillas this year came in the form of grooms who hadn’t participated in the wedding planning process at all except for maybe the first conference call. And then when he arrived on the island, he had a whole lot of ideas about how things should be done even though he hadn’t the slightest freakin idea of what was going on. I tolerated it with a smile for three days, but when one of them started re-lining up the wedding party to go down the aisle (he was setting it up backwards after I’d already done it properly), I said to him in a very firm tone: “Stop it! You do your job and let me do mine. Please stand there and shut up until I tell you it’s time to walk into the ceremony.” And I turned my back to him and commenced fixing what he’d fucked up. That actually got him under control for the next four hours. Or rather, until the DJ played a song he didn’t like (requested by the groom’s brother) during the reception, and he felt the need to scream instructions at me to change the music from an upstairs balcony.
Groomzilla is also usually the same guy who gets drunk at his reception and by the end of the night is telling us how fabulous everything has been all weekend. Occasionally, he is loud and confrontational at some point during the evening, but apologizes publicly and wants to hug and make up (have I mentioned how much my husband hates to hug men he doesn’t really know?) before the night is through. Usually, he also remembers to tip his wedding planner the next day because he realizes he has been a handful all week long. Groomzillas are a pain in the ass, but they know they are and most of the time, they try to make up for it by throwing money at the person they’ve been torturing. I’m learning to catch.
Lesson #3 - People Don’t Read the Directions.
Brides and wedding parties don’t read the detailed schedules we give them, wedding guests ignore the tailor-made welcome packets that tell them where to be when, and how to get there. We spend fully half of our time with our clients and their guests while they’re here on the island re-answering questions that we answered in either the travel info packets, the welcome packets or the newsletter. Seriously, I don’t know what to do about it. It’s gotten to the point of not being funny anymore when I’m getting a call from a bridesmaid who is calling from inside a big rental truck full of bridesmaids and they’re all stuck in the mud on the road to the bio-bay. Nobody is supposed to drive to the bio-bay!!! Your welcome packet tells you, explicitly, where to be and when to be there for your tour if the bride and groom are hosting you. Otherwise, you make your reservations on your own. However you do it, you’ll be riding out to the bay tour in a bus or a van, not driving. In this case, the welcome packet told them to meet at Island Adventures, located at the bottom of the driveway to Hacienda Tamarindo, at 7 pm for their private tour of the bio-bay hosted by the bride and groom. Would somebody please explain to me how I ended up dealing with a truck full of women stuck in the mud based on those instructions? Not a single one of them read the welcome packet? Not one??? I don’t know what else to do, short of making announcements at the welcome party through a megaphone like a bad cruise director. And half the time they need to READ THE DIRECTIONS in order to figure out where to go for the welcome party. But don’t worry — everybody gets where they need to go. They just call us and ask and we tell them (sigh).
I’ve had a few bridesmaids get really snotty with me on the day of the wedding when I’m really busy doing setup. They’ll demand to know when their hair appointments are and the directions to them, all information I provided in their welcome packets when they arrived — they’ve just failed to read or already lost them. I’ve learned to always carry spare copies of the general and wedding party schedule on my clipboard because I always need them.
Lesson #4 - Clients Try to Hide the Nutjob Family Members.
Yep, it’s true. You’d think that by the time we’ve planned your whole wedding together, you’d feel comfortable enough to tell me that somebody in your family was going to be a problem-child. Sometimes I ask directly and clients lie to me. Sometimes it comes up naturally in conversation, such as the bride mentioning that her father is a nasty drunk at the time they’re selecting the bar option for their catering contract (I do take notes). But I have found that the absolute worst nightmares we’ve had on the island were total surprises. Not a surprise to the bride, let me assure you. Just a surprise to us. Aren’t you just dying for a few real examples on this one? Okey dokey… let’s see… so many to choose from and so little time to write.
I think the award for the most outstanding family nutcases should go to two different weddings this year. In one case, the bride had behaved normally throughout 10 months of the wedding planning process. She was a dream client. Met deadlines. Fun to chat with. Great taste. Sent checks on time. In the last month, she was a nightmare. Cranky, nasty, weepy — you name it. Wow. Anyway, that happens occasionally because not every bride-to-be handles stress as well as the next. Usually, if they were pleasant for most of the planning, they’ll snap out of it when the arrive on the island and everything is great. This one didn’t.
And she brought with her a non-medication compliant, bi-polar MoB and a total harpy of a MoH (her sister). No warning at all. Just BLAM!!! and they were here. And oh dear God, it was the longest week of my life. The bride sat up each night texting me complaints and concerns at 4 am, her sister actually screamed at a few vendors, and they dumped her mother on me all day during setup the day of the wedding without asking, like I was a babysitter for crazy people. She just showed up and told me she was my responsibility. Yeah, right. That worked.
The other recipient of the award for hiding the fact she had a family of nutcases goes to a bride who I absolutely adore and hold nothing against for anything that happened. She was a doll and she was a beautiful bride. I just wish she’d given me a heads up that I was going to have to open up a can of whoop-ass at her grandmother at the welcome party and give the smack-down to her totally inappropriate, trouble-causing stepmother at every event all weekend. Don’t get me wrong — I can handle this stuff. I’m from DC. I’m tough. I was a lobbyist for God’s sake. I’m an Ohio State Buckeye!!! But gimme some warning so I’m prepared with my pepper spray when your psychotic granny grabs your MoH by the hair and starts body slamming her in Al’s at the welcome party.
And if I need to be carrying a Dog the Bounty Hunter- sized can of pepper spray to break up the fisticuffs at the karaoke after-hours party between new family members, approximately six hours after the wedding ceremony, please have the courtesy to tell me in advance so I can plan to carry a larger purse.
And finally, if you have a cousin who is a drug addict who arrives on the island and takes her entire week’s supply of Methadone all at once and then calls the police for an escort to get her safely off the island because she’s wigging out, please call me so that I can intercept her at the ferry dock and get the bridesmaid dress from her before she leaves Vieques Island. It’s a heck of a lot easier to do than than it is to try to get the dress sent back to Vieques after she has left the island. Better yet — tell me about this cousin/bridesmaid/wedding guest/drug addict before she arrives on the island so I’m mentally prepared for what may come. Really, I can handle it. I won’t quit if you give me the heads up that we have problem-children in the crowd. I actually appreciate it.
Lesson #5 - Smaller weddings are more fun for the wedding planner.
It’s not because there is less work — there usually isn’t. There’s the same amount of work for 30 or 130 guests up to a certain point if you’re having a full catered wedding reception. We just get a chance to chat with more nice people and get feedback from the bride and groom when the group is smaller. When you have lots of guests who need lots of attention, we don’t get to talk to anybody for more than a couple of minutes.
Lesson #6 - Five Hours Is More than Enough Open Bar.
After five hours of drinking unlimited free beverages, people get stupid. Accidents happen. Fights occur. Feelings are hurt. Drama happens. Five hours is enough. If you want more than five hours of reception with booze, plan to move to a second venue, or arrange for transportation for all of your guests. If they’re already drunk at 5 hours, they’re plastered if you party for two more.
Lesson #7 - Final Headcounts Are Tricky if the Bride or Groom Has Family on the Big Island.
Puerto Rican weddings on the big island are traditionally larger than what most Americanos would have up north. For example, up in the states, you would never invite somebody to a wedding who hadn’t been directly invited by the bride or groom. You need permission to bring a date if you don’t get the “and guest” on your invitation. But down here in Puerto Rico, it’s a ”the more the merrier” philosophy in many families. A lot of Puerto Rican weddings are giant food fests that go on all night with lots and lots of people. You wouldn’t know if there were 10 people there who hadn’t been invited, or 25! But at a destination wedding on Vieques or Culebra, it’s like up in the states. Everything is very carefully counted out. If you say you’re going to have 40 guests, there will be 40 seats set for dinner. And if you end up with 50 guests, the caterer may not have enough food to feed the 10 extra people because everything is ordered onto the island especially for your big day. Make sense? So the Puerto Rican tradition of bringing along extra people doesn’t work when you’re getting married in Vieques in a northern-style wedding with a headcount. And if the bride or the groom has family and friends invited to the wedding from the big island, it’s something we need to be alert to because sometimes it still happens even though we’re over here and not on the big island. We’re only a $2 ferry ride away and everybody knows somebody they can stay with for a night. We learned to be prepared for this after getting slammed at a couple of weddings.
Lesson #8 — Culebra is a popular wedding destination because so many journalists have written about Flamenco Beach.
We started doing weddings there in 2009 and we learned a lot of lessons very quickly. In a nutshell, Culebra is more expensive than Vieques and has fewer venue and vendor options. People who are really into Culebra because they’ve been there are the best candidates for weddings there because they understand what they’re getting themselves into. And if you have a larger wedding group, satisfying the accommodations needs of all of your guests can be tricky if folks are particular. Some clients ultimately find Vieques is a more budget-friendly option than Culebra.
Lesson #9 - Never Use Tulips, Peonies, Ranunculus, or Garden-Variety Roses in the Tropics.
We tried. We failed. They’re just too sensitive to the heat. Some of the experiments were conducted independent of weddings but regardless, the end result was the same. Deader than a doornail before they got to the aisle. Won’t work. Not gonna do it. No way, no how. You can have pretty much anything else though.
Lesson #10 - Brides and Grooms Respond Well to Actual Deadlines.
It is far more effective for me to send a client a DJ Playlist form and tell her that it’s due back to me on December 1st than it is to give her the form and ask her to get it back to me within a few months. I start using deadlines from the very first conference call and I learn quickly who can, and who cannot, meet a deadline. I figure out who is responsible and who is a hot mess really, really fast. And the worse you are, the farther back I bring your deadlines. That way, you won’t be sitting up trying to write your wedding vows in the middle of the night before your wedding.
Okay, that’s enough for now. I’ve been nasty and snarky and bitchy — but I also hope I’ve been informative and entertaining. Thank you for reading my blog in 2009. I’ll be back tomorrow with my first message for 2010.
Happy New Year! And to all of you girls who might get an engagement ring tonight, go paint your nails before you go out!!!
Sandy