Congratulations on Your Engagement! Some Tips on Announcing Your Engagement (and Destination Wedding) to Family and Friends
Happy Friday!
I was here at the office bright and early today waiting for the new office furniture to be delivered. I’m still waiting. But I have faith — I confirmed it had actually arrived on the island last night. It’s only a matter of time now. The delivery guy will come here when my stuff is blocking the next stuff he needs to get off of his truck. Makes perfect sense… But I’m too impatient to get any real work done while I’m waiting, so it gives me a chance to write about something I get asked about a lot — what’s the best way to announce your engagement when you know from the get-go that you have every intention of running away to get married on a Caribbean island rather than inviting everyone who has ever met you to a big old-fashioned wedding in your hometown?
Nowadays, most engagements aren’t a surprise to the bride anymore. The actual date and time for popping the question usually stays a mystery, but if you’re in any kind of solid, committed relationship then you know if a proposal is coming your way before it happens because the two of you have discussed marriage, babies, careers, getting old together, etc. You may have also discussed wedding details — or you might not have. It really depends on you two as a couple. Some girls think they’ll never get an engagement ring if they talk about weddings with their boyfriend. Other girls drop little hints here and there such as “I always wanted to get married in that church.” Some of us are far more direct about it — I think I told Bill that I wanted to get married on Vieques the first time I brought him here on vacation. What he didn’t know at the time that he knows now is that if he hadn’t liked my little island, we probably wouldn’t have continued to date!
Anyway, this blog topic was inspired by a couple of clients who have asked me what the appropriate way is to announce their engagement to people when they know at the outset that most of these people will not be invited to their wedding. The answer is simple — announcing your engagement has nothing to do with where you are getting married or who you are inviting. What really amazed me is that these girls who were asking the question had both been engaged for more than a month when they asked me the question — how did they keep it a secret for so long? Heck, Bill proposed to me and I was on the phone telling everybody else an hour later. In fact, my girlfriend Deedee had a Christmas party that night and we went to it after dinner so I had my bright sparkly new ring to show off to everybody (including my mom and Dee’s mom) at the party. So I have no idea how anybody keeps the good news to themselves for more than a day — maybe I just have a big mouth.
You and your fiance can announce your engagement whenever you like AFTER you get the ring. If his proposal is more spontaneous and you two have to go ring shopping together afterwards, you might want to keep the surprise under your hat until you have the bling to back up your claim. Not that the proposal is any less sincere, but it does kinda put a damper on things when you say to your girls “Bob asked me to marry him” and they grab your left hand and it’s as bare as it was the day before. If you do get a spontaneous, ringless proposal — take advantage of it. Send him ring shopping while you go get a manicure. Or go get a manicure and then go ring shopping with him. But do something with those manky-looking hands before you have to show them to absolutely everybody. That is one thing my friends can tell you — on any given day of the week, I might have my hair up in a clip and not be wearing any makeup, but I always have my nails looking good! As a wedding planner, girls are always wanting to look at my ring. But I digress… we’re supposed to be talking about the announcement, not the ring.
Anyway, I’d advise you to have the ring before you tell the entire world. Then go for it. It’s traditional to call each set of your parents first, and then follow that up by alerting the rest of your immediate families (siblings, grandparents, etc.). After that, it’s totally up to you. You can call all of your girlfriends individually or you can Facebook it and tell everybody you’ve ever met in under a minute. I suggest you take the longer route and enjoy it — you’re only going to get to make this announcement once (hopefully). Have fun with it! Enjoy it! Savor the moment!
If you have a flair for the dramatic, don’t tell anyone right away, but instead schedule a dinner party and invite your immediate families. You can pop the bubbly and celebrate with them when you tell them. You can take the same approach with your closest circle of friends — just remember, once you start telling people it won’t be your secret anymore. It’s happy news and it’s great gossipy news and if you tell a friend, she’ll tell three friends, and so on and so on and so on.
Now you need to set a wedding date. Some couple put that off while they get their feet wet, but if you want to mail formal announcements or put your announcement in your local newspaper, it’s helpful to get started on a date. For the newspaper, they’re going to want to know where and when the big day is happening. “Somewhere” in the “spring” is less stimulating than hearing you’re getting married in April on Vieques in the Spanish Virgin Islands.
Hopefully, at least one close friend or family member will offer to throw you an engagement party. Graciously accept their offer and ask how many people they’d like to invite. And then stick to that number on the guest list you give them. If they tell you to invite as many as you like, keep the list under control. Not only do the people have to fit in the space, but it’s a generous but expensive gift the host or hostess is giving you. Don’t abuse their generosity by inviting your entire office.
So if you know from the outset that you’re having a destination wedding (hopefully on Vieques or Culebra, but this works for any destination), publicize that from the outset. And I always recommend calling it a small destination wedding even if you intend to invite everyone under the sun including your dog groomer. By telling people it’s going to be small, most of them will assume you mean only close family and friends will be invited. That way, if they get an invite they weren’t expecting, they feel special. You don’t want anyone to feel excluded, and this way, nobody other than your fiance can automatically assume that he or she is invited!
If you know for certain you’re going to get married someplace tropical, you can do an island-themed engagement party. And you can incorporate something tropical into your engagement announcements and Save-the-Date cards. You certainly don’t need to do a formal engagement announcement — not many people do anymore. Most people rely on the Save-the-Date to be the first official mail about the wedding. Sometimes it’s a good idea to just skip the mailed announcements. Even though it’s simply an announcement, some people who don’t know their wediquette assume that means they’ll be invited to your wedding. That’s not how it works, but why create an awkward situation if most of the people in your address book aren’t formally acquainted with Emily Post?
Just remember through the engagement announcement process, it’s always okay to say “I don’t know” or “we’re still thinking and making decisions” until you’re absolutely positively sure that you know what you want to do and who you want to invite and all the other things that people will ask you about. Don’t get so excited that you start naming bridesmaids and asking flower girls until you and your fiance have sat down and really talked it through.
I recently had a bride with three flower girls — which is quite a few for a destination wedding. I asked her why she had so many and she explained that the night her fiance proposed, she was out with her best girlfriends who both have little girls and so she asked them to be bridesmaids and invited their daughters to be flower girls. She wasn’t even thinking about the fact that her fiance’s older sister had a little girl too, and that in order to keep the family peace she would have to have her new niece as a flower girl too, and her new nephew as the ring bearer. And that’s how she ended up with four small children in her wedding party.
Congratulations on your engagement! You’re getting married! Have fun with it, show off the ring and enjoy every precious moment. Remember to clean your ring regularly — everybody will want to see it so keep it pretty. There’s plenty of time to let it get all funky after you’ve been married for a few years.
Until next time, happy wedding planning from Weddings in Vieques and Weddings in Culebra. Have you started planning your Caribbean destination wedding yet?
Sandy